Settling in?

Today was infinitely better than yesterday, but I still found it difficult not to cry. As you all know me, you probably know this isn't usually a problem for me.

Today had a much better start, as the girls saw me coming and began shouting my name instead of just "Obruni! Obruni!" which means white person. They have already recognized that I am the only one who will give them care and attention, so they crowd about me in the hopes of holding my hand, leg, or really any other accessible bit of skin. I definitely had my chest overtly fondled today...that was a new one. Usually children don't bluntly do such things! That same child lay against my chest for the next hour, which is when the gravity and sadness of it all got a chance to wash over me. Who would ever hold this girl like this again? Had anyone ever done so before?

I see little point in potty training the children (which they seem to attempt by having them sit in plastic pots for hours at a time) if the ultimate goal is merely to prepare them for the big wide world of adulthood that is, apparently, defecating freely in their play area. It's really been great fun to watch as pee dribbles down the leg of a child (who looks 2 but is probably 4 or 5) who is then beaten 5 minutes later for playing with some sandals on the floor. The sad part is I'm becoming numb to it. It no longer phases me to see flies swarm the infected ankle of a toddler and it's futile to try to put an end to the rock throwing that seems to be the only way these children know how to interact with one another. The one thing that brings them all together is my camera. They're anxious for me to record them playing games or dancing so they can crowd around me and act as if they're embarrassed of their silliness. I'm somewhat terrified it will get broken, and it already has the smell of rotting meat and manure that permeates the orphanage, but it will probably be worth it. Everything looks better in pictures, though. I wish you guys could see this. But then again I don't.

Last night I spent a long time with Alice trying to figure out what I'm doing here. I'm pretty sure the staff don't really need us - they have plenty of children to tend to chores - and I've really no idea why they would accept volunteers at all. We seem more trouble than we're worth. I'm not sure if they approve of me just talking to and holding the girls or not, but I've decided it probably doesn't matter. I'm not here to be used as slave labor by the supervisors, so I guess my only goal is, as Alice says, "to make them smile". They do seem happier now. There's that at least.

On a good note, today I made friends! One of the girls who I thought was staff approached me in the morning and asked about university in the us. She is 19 and has been living here since she was 7. She also somehow has a godmother who took her to Atlanta, Georgia, where she wants to go to law school. I talked to her and another 19 year old (who is apparently a volunteer? I wasn't sure if she meant she got paid or not, and didn't want to ask. She is very nice to me and is this the only one who thinks I am even semi capable) for an hour or so and they got quite a kick out of me. Oh! And for the first time ever, I met someone who had heard of neither Starbucks nor McDonalds. I was a bit dumbfounded, with the amount of tv they've been watching since I got here, but also fairly pleased. A part of the world remains untouched...

On another bad note Alice is 101% certain that our host family, or at least someone, is stealing from us. We both keep our money in envelopes, in folders, tucked under our clothes, and hers has decreased suspiciously twice. Mine was disturbed when I returned home from cape coast, but I tried to think nothing of it and thought they were just tidying up. This is incredibly disconcerting but there isn't much we can do. I think telling/blaming the family would just make things very unpleasant for us, so for now we have resolved to say nothing. The cabinet does lock, so now we have organized a key system that will hopefully reduce their temptation to touch our things. I feel quite sick about this, because the host family is very nice and I thought I could trust them.

Dinner last night was good though. It's so nice to take a break with the other volunteers and help make sense of and deal with everything. They do have some horror stories though. I'm sad most of them are leaving but at the same time (being me, of course) I worry that they don't like me and I don't fit in their group. Oh well. Um...what else. Oh I haven't talked about the food yet. It is very good at home, but the local food is a bit lacking. I have two words of warning: NEVER eat ghanaian porridge, and never try to eat a whole bowl of fufu. The porridge literally tasted like grass and looked like glue. Fufu, a local favorite, is not as bad but certainly not palatable. Imagine dipping raw dough into a tasteless, spicy sauce, and shoving it glop by glop into your mouth by hand. I ate it all, and the goat pieces (sorry Mallory! but there were chicken walking around me and I had just watched the rotting fish fall on the floor, so my options were limited...) floating around it, but felt sick the rest of the day. Sadly, I think we might be having that for dinner tonight...

I was allowed to feed babies today, but was told I was doing it incorrectly when I refrained from absolutely drowning them in rice slush...what do I know, eh? Btdubs, feeding a two week old from a cup takes a bit of getting used to. Then they gave them baths (slinging them around by one arm), let me put pomade on them, showered them in powder, and shoved them into clothes. Then into their cribs to be completely unattended and ignored. I'm getting better at washing! They let me do it all.

I worry a bit that if I continue to write this much I will have nothing to tell you all when I get back. But then again, I feel as if I could talk about this forever. And almost have. Also, if I don't write this, I'm afraid of what this experience will do to me. I need to tell someone who remembers what it's like back home. I guess it's difficult to explain.

Somehow the only good computers always have horrible keyboards and it's consequently taken me ages to write this. Not to mention the initial wasted 20 minutes in finding a functional device...I hope you all are well and I hope/will try to write happier and more interesting things later. It's just all a bit overwhelming at the moment. I'm not sure that even any of the travelling I've done to poor countries in the past could have prepared me for this. But it's not that bad! It's still fun and I'm alright if not a bit lonely. I would like a real, adult hug...bye for now.